Gudo Nishijima (Japan, 1919-2014, Zen Buddhist teacher) -
What does it mean to say that one is a buddha [awakened one] when sitting in Zazen [sitting meditation]? When we sit in Zazen we face reality directly. We face thoughts, emotions, and discomfort (both physical and mental). We also see that reality is something more than just thoughts or just the body.
Note: Notice carefully how Nishijima does not separate everyday reality and "something more." "Something more" is as much an everyday reality as the shoes you wear, the food you eat, and the face you wear. If we get lost in materialism, we miss that "something more." If we become lost in our pursuit of finding and living in "something more," we are futilely trying to live half of reality. The swing swings both ways. Both ways are one way. One is surface. One is depth. Yet, both belong to each other. "Surface" and "depth" are words referring to reality. We need to be worldly-minded and heavenly-minded, so to speak, to live a wholly life.
* * *
Mazu was living in the monastery. He sat in zazen, or sitting meditation, constantly. The teacher, Nanyue, aware Mazu was a vessel of the Dharma [Buddhist Teaching; Truth], went to him ...
Nanyue: Virtuous one, why are you doing sitting meditation?
Mazu: I wish to become a buddha [awakened one].
The teacher picked up a tile [or brick] and started rubbing it on a stone.
Mazu: What are you doing?
Nanyue: I'm polishing to make a mirror.
Mazu: How can you make a mirror by polishing a tile?
Nanyue: And how can you make a buddha by doing meditation?
There are differing understandings of this story. I take the ending as a pointer: "And how can you make a buddha by doing meditation?"
Well, you cannot, any more than you can polish a tile into a mirror. But, "Why?" One reading is you cannot make a buddha by practicing meditation, for you cannot make what you are.
If you are reading this, you could think," So what! What does this have to do with me?" It means something for you, if you want it to. How?
"Buddha" is just another word for you. Like Brian is a word for me. If you called me Cactus or Barn or Sussie, it would make no difference at all. How could it?
Our wisdom practice is not about becoming other than ourselves. You can appear to become anything, and you are still you. You cannot become anything, you only appear to. You play roles. You can practice any spiritual practice, and you are you doing it.
I have been many things over the last over six decades. Among them. Brian. Arem. Boy. Man. Mr. Caucasian. Son. Great Grandson. Grandson. Student. Counselor. Professor. Preacher. Revival preacher. Radio evangelist. Pastor. Prison chaplain. Jail chaplain. Hospice chaplain. Interspiritual chaplain. Hospice Spiritual Care Provider. Boyfriend. Husband. Step-father. Ex-husband. Christian. Buddhist. Friend. Writer. Poet. Author. To some Heretic. Yet, I have been none of these things. How could I have been all these things, and more? - Do you see I am not just playing games here? I could, after-all, be doing something more fun than writing this. Maybe one day I will stop all this, and have more fun. Until then, back to Mazu...
Mazu could think the Mazu wanting to be a buddha was meditating to become a buddha. True, for Mazu was not. A buddha does not become a buddha. So, how can you get to you, if you are you? The teacher wants Mazu to meditate, not the Mazu who wants to become a buddha by meditating. Still, as with Mazu, we might need to try, until we exhaust the trying, like polishing tile to make a mirror, then realizing the futility of the endeavor.
* * *
The teacher does not denigrate meditation. He knows Mazu does not need to become something else or add something to Mazu.
We can practice this in meditation, wherein we are practicing being ourselves. We practice being with ourselves, for we have forgotten ourselves. We have been alienated from ourselves from a very early age. We have become the roles we play. Early on, we learned to dissociate from ourselves to please others. We acted based on how they responded to us. That is how we learned to seek love. A single look from a significant other could shift our sense of self-presentation; soon, we became this flimsy play of presentation. You might think, "All this is not true of me! I've always known who I am." I doubt anyone reading this is excluded from having forgotten themself from early in life.
* * *
Later in the meeting, the teacher says to Mazu, "When you practice being Buddha in meditation, you kill Buddha." Zen Buddhists say we are already Buddha or a buddha. This, again, is saying, "You are already you," but not your persona - you are not anything anyone or you can say about you or think about you. This is true of everyone. So, "Buddha" or "a buddha" refers to something not of a class, race, ethnicity, nationality, religion, spirituality, gender identity, ...
Thus, whether in formal meditation or outside of it, our spiritual practice is a means of returning to ourselves. When we sense who we are, we experience a sense of completeness, of harmony. If there were countless others over the globe returning to themselves at that moment, it would be the same completeness, the same harmony, for there is only one to experience it. So, one equals all others, and all others one.
This story speaks, then, of a practice of silence wherein we are not chasing elevated states of mind, otherworldly experiences, inner peace, holiness, or enlightenment. We may have many experiences, distressing and pleasant, in the silence, yet they all pass. You do not pass. You are absolutely ordinary, and that means you are absolutely wonderful.
* * *
Look over your life, and you can see who has always been there through all the changes. Something observed the changes. What is that? Some people only realize this on a path that includes regular silence to sit quietly, not trying to be or become anything or anyone. Whether one can see this, otherwise, I cannot say. Nonetheless, without some regular practice of silence - call it meditation or something else -, it seems to me impossible to grow into this, even if one has one or more visits from the self-identity to the True Self - the latter is not another identity.
And we may not become stabilized in the True Self, or we may. Regardless, recognizing ourselves, and not just theoretically, is a grace. Why? You want to know you. You have always wanted to know yourself. Just look closely at all the ways you have tried to know yourself. You do. We do. How could it be otherwise? Even to say, "I want to know God," means, too, "I want to know myself." In fact, the pursuit of God outside oneself may be the primary way humans have sought to discover themselves. See? Do not go looking for the bright jewel, simply open your hand. Okay, again, "See?"
